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The anatomy of a baker

What are the key ingredients for a technically perfect Bake Off baker? Culinary know-how and a strong kneading technique – sure, they’re important, but what about their moral fibre, their layered personalities and cutting wit? Here are the elements that really matter – combine using the creaming method or the all-in-one method as preferred.


Every baker, judge, host, crew member and particle of air that’s ever entered the tent is bound by one common trait: an utter devotion to baking puns. Whatever the occasion, they’ll rise to it, proving themselves batter than the rest of the batch. No wordplay is too subtle and no joke to tenuous for our bakers.

A smutty disposition

With great baking puns comes great innuendo. No, in your end-o. Soggy bottom, moist and oozing, etc, etc. This show should come with a parental guidance warning.

An abnormally long attention span

It’s said that in today’s world, the prevalence of smartphones, cat videos on YouTube and dramatic Hollywood movies are resulting in a society with a shorter attention span than ever before. This is not the case for bakers. Bakers can gaze into the door of an oven for hours at a time, stare at a ball of dough while it rises imperceptibly, and deliberate over the unique properties of baking soda and baking powder indefinitely. They’re a meditative bunch.


Scientific fact: every single person who’s ever turned eggs, flour, sugar and butter (or any variant thereof) into an edible item is immeasurably endearing and loveable.

Strong wrists

For whisking, and nothing more (see also: ‘A smutty disposition’).

Superhuman ability to misjudge things

Specifically; available space inside freezers, whether or not an oven is switched on and how long it’s likely to take to build a scale-model of the Eiffel Tower out of breadsticks.