This recipe makes one series of The Great British Bake Off. Serve once a week from Tuesday 28th August with a cup of tea.
Makes: 10 episodes
Baking Time: 75 minutes
2 firm but fair judges
2 comedians, one tall and one… not so tall
12 bakers, all talented amateurs
1 gingham altar
A dash of unpredictable Great British weather
A healthy dollop of innuendo and puns
1 very large tent
Step 1 – Erect your tent (giggling encouraged) and fill it with 12 of Britain’s best amateur bakers.
Step 2 – Whisk together to form stiff tent peaks.
Step 3 – Add two judges to the mix. Don’t worry if they seem tough on the outside, they’re bound to be gooey in the middle.
Step 4 – Next, add your two presenters. Make sure they’re dressed in brightly patterned shirts and have pockets full of puns.
Step 5 – Take your batter and subject it to a Signature Challenge, paying special attention to your flavour combinations. For best results, add a Hollywood Handshake.
Step 6 – PANIC: it’s time to take on the Technical Challenge.
Step 7 – Bake at whatever temperature the Great British weather has thrown at you until golden. Serve on a gingham altar with a freshly-brewed pot of tea.
Step 8 – Construct a near-lifesize famous landmark, family memory or living creature out of entirely edible things. Knead with quivering fingers until *just* standing.
Step 8 – Repeat steps 2-7 a further nine times, removing one baker at the end of each cycle.
Step 9 – Bake your final mixture in the oven at whatever temperature the Great British weather has thrown at you that day until golden on the outside and warm and fuzzy in the middle.
Step 10 – Decorate with group hugs, big buns and saucy one-liners.
Step 11 – Serve on a gingham altar with a side helping of An Extra Slice (Fridays at 8pm on Channel4).
Series 9 of The Great British Bake Off starts Tuesday 28th August at 8pm on Channel 4.