You are viewing this website with an old browser please update to a newer version of Internet Explorer here.

Football match report: Episode One

Russell kicked off this series of Bake Off by creating a team of football-playing brownies. But how did the other bakers achieve their goals?

It was a game of three halves – signature, technical and showstopper.

Sandi came on as a substitute in Russell’s midfield early doors, but she failed to have an impact as Team USA veteran John sealed the three points with a brownie that left Prue dribbling.

After the break, the lads tackled a Swiss roll (which is a cake and not a diving technique imported from cheaters on the continent). John, making his Swiss roll debut, fluffed his effort and the result was foul.

Then at the end of the second half, everyone scored (the sponge in their Swiss rolls).

With all bakers still in contention for the championship going into the third half, the showstopper round was a must-win affair.

John tried to outmanoeuvre his opponents with a crafty nutmeg in his gingerbread.

But Russell showed a good touch for a big man to mould some world-class shortbread labia. With minutes remaining, he placed his wife’s biscuit vagina on the offside of the gingham table to seal a remarkable bic-tory.

For full Bake Off results, tune in on Tuesday evenings at 8pm on Channel 4, or catch up on All 4.